Caution: I am writing out of frustration, so bear with me.
Have you ever wondered why things happen to you? How you can go from having a wonderful day to a "ugh" kind of day with the blink of an eye? Well, that's how I feel. Please do not compare my suffering to yours. I know far worse things could happen in this lifetime. My struggle is my own and right now this chip is important to me.
Fellas, I pray you will read this and think twice about how you treat your wife or girlfriend (not an and/or situation). Women are not toys that you play with for a short time and then toss back in the closet. We require love, patience, and affection. As much as we like to think this, we cannot read minds. I don't know that you are tired unless you tell me. You won't know that I am not feeling well unless I say something.
My feelings are just as important as yours. We got in the marriage together and we are going to work it together. The very moment that your spouse starts itching to hang out in the grass on the other side, is the very moment you've realized that damage has already been down. As much as I do not care for R Kelly's music, I must admit that 'when a woman is fed up, there ain't nothin' you can do about it". I mean really.
Marriage is a equal partnership. Yes one species is biblically more dominant that the other. That doesn't mean that you can treat the less dominant species with disrespect and a complete disregard for their feelings. Conflicts arise when people are not getting their needs met. Have you met your spouse's needs lately? This is more than a physical fulfillment. Rather it is the emotional needs that often go un-vocalized and unmet.
My point in all of this is for you to take a step back and look at the darker side of your marriage. What are the problem areas and how can you and your partner work together to fix them? If you can't see the problem, you are probably the problem. I'm sure your spouse can find at least 5 things that irritate them. Is it possible to rectify this situation? Absolutely. How?
1) Go to God in prayer.
2) make a true commitment to open your heart to communicate with your spouse.
3) be willing to enhance/improve/change/re-do/undo/relearn, etc.
4) believe in yourself and your spouse's ability to empathize and change
5) let go of the perfect marriage (acceptance is not settling)
6) call me for a relationship coaching session (see coaching page)
All in all, the behaviors of your youth cannot carry you into adulthood and help you maintain a lasting relationship. Eventually you have to let go of the fantasy of the perfect marriage and perfect spouse. We all have things we can stand to change about ourselves, if it means improving our quality of life.
If you know someone who still acts like a 15 year old and is well past 25 years old, sit them down and pass on your wisdom. Marriage is not designed to be a parallel lifestyle. I'm done.
I decided to shake things up this time. In addition to this being the song I'm leading on Sunday, it is also a powerful song. There are so many good worship songs, but every once in a while we run into the ones that really touch our souls.
It is at that moment that we start to flashback to the darkest times in our lives. I have found that that pain is not pain, but a source of motivation. At least for me, it is motivation and a reminder that God is greater than my problems. There is no problem to hard for God to solve. God deserves all of our praise 24/7. He is not a sometime, when I feel like it God. He is an all day/every day God.
So for this I exalt His great name. I pray you will listen to this song and allow the words to penetrate your heart as you glance back over your life. Remember all the times you felt low and the hands that were reaching out to hold on to you. At that moment, I pray your soul will be filled with the Holy Spirit and you will release all control unto Him.
So I saw a picture on the web today (which will not show up on here) and it reminded me of a line from the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding. (I love this movie!)
The husand is the head of the family and the wife is the neck that turns the head around!!"
It got me to thinking. If the wife is the neck and she controls the husband, then doesn't that contradict the premise of the man being the head and the wife being submissive to him?
Which led to me wondering about all the times I tried to control my husband and didn't allow him the opportunity to be the head. I know I'm not alone in this matter either. I've seen so many women try to be the dominant one in the marriage and the husband be submissive to them. Don't get me wrong, we are to be submissive to each other, but it is the woman who is supposed to be under the protection of her husband and his coverings.
Confused? I was for a while too. But down the line I figured out a system that works best for us. I am submissive to my husband in that I respect his decisions (which we mostly make together for big things) and look to him to protect us and provide for us. Of course, God ultimately does these things, but he puts my husband in position to take care of his family. My husband is submissive to me as a statement that he values my input and contributions to the family. He doesn't demean me or disregard my role in any way.
Our system is that we count each day as a blessing and try to communicate our desires, needs, wants, and schedules often. It is a challenge and at times we struggle to get past our own egos. Nonetheless, we make it work. Married life is a roller coaster that I'll ride forever. We talk it out, hash it out, and love it out. We have worked to learn each others roles so that we can understand how hard it is to be in the other's shoes.
Married life is about all of these things and more. It is about not taking each other for granted and knowing that while the physical body is replaceable, the spirit is not. So while I may be the neck and my husband the head, he still tells me which way to turn.
I recently had the privilege of speaking to a young lady who had lost her connection with life. Her silence begged me for attention and her heart poured out feelings of despair, hopelessness, hurt, and shame. What had she done that was so bad? What could I say to ease her pain? She continued to tell me about her life and share stories of regret, guilt, and missed opportunities. I could not help but wonder why now. Why at this moment were our paths crossing? It was more than just a story. It was a cry for help. Her soul had reached mine, without a single hello.
It was a connection of the heart that led her to me that day. It was an open invitation that my heart gave her to come in from the rain and get help in warming up. I couldn't let this moment pass me by. This was a connection that needed to take place. I could not focus on anything else. I dropped everything, sat down and invited her into my mind. The more she shared of wanting to connect with someone and to know she mattered, the more I felt compelled to model that behavior.
We often get so caught up in our own lives, that we forget that there are people hurting everyday. People are waiting for the invitation to connect with someone and come in from the rain. We spend hours focusing on superficial connections and not enough time on heartfelt connections with those around us. When is the last time you stopped to look outside of your window at the people walking down the street? How many mothers have you seen struggling with their children and you've passed them by? How many children have you seen masking their pain with fake smiles, tattoos, loud friends, and short skirts? How many men have you seen lost and trying to cope with life?
This blog is not to blame anyone, because I too have passed them by. I too have shaken my head and ignored their heart's cry. As this year comes to an end, I urge you to take a moment to connect with the lost. Open your mind to the possibility of giving more than just money to someone who is hurting. Give you. Give hope. Give Jesus. I'm not sure what will happen to the young lady. I don't know if our paths will ever cross again. I do know that for a brief moment in time, I was able to share life, hope, faith, and encourage her to keep fighting. Remember, "the battle is not given to the swift, nor to the strong, but to the one that endures to the end".
Another Day's journey
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