I will be honest. I struggle to follow every instruction. There are a lot of things that I do not know and a lot of things that I do. This past month or so has taught me some very important lessons. Since I have a lot to do, I will space the lessons out over a few blogs this week, and I will try to keep them brief.
Lesson #1: Know your tolerance level
I would consider myself as a high tolerance person. There are a lot of things that I will let slide because I don't have the emotional energy to deal with every statement someone makes. I've got a lot going on and the less nonsense I have to deal with the better. There are some times when my tolerance level reaches the boiling point and I have to regroup before I will explode. There are times when my tolerance level reaches a breaking point and I choose to snap. Notice I said choose because we all have free will to make decisions in this life. Most of the time I am able to choose my battles and prepare myself for war. Other times, battles seem to fall in my lap and I have to react. Naturally, someone would take this conversation as a physical altercation, but this is far from physical. I'm talking about emotional battles.
If you are married or in a long-term fully committed relationship you will know that it takes a lot of emotional energy to keep the momentum going. Sometimes, I have to do extra to keep the train rolling. Other times I just too tired to fight and will let the train run out of steam. But oh by the grace of God, I'm still chugging along.
I said all that to say, I feel like I am reaching my boiling or breaking point with my tolerance level. I won't discuss why, but just know that it is not a good feeling. It is hard to live with a smile when you are being tested and pushed to the max all the time. I'm not sure how long this storm will last, but I know that greater is coming and God is trying to tell me something. I want to encourage you, while I am in my storm, so that you can learn from my pain. It is those times when you are being pulled from opposite ends and your heart begins to hurt. You question everything and accept nothing. You have no energy to accept. You may walk around as though everything is fine, but it's not. You pray and you pray and you pray, but no response. When will this feeling end? You try to talk it out, cry it out, laugh it out, argue it out, but still your tolerance boils.
I just can't see the end, but my faith will not allow me to forget that God is still in control. I cannot see the victory line, but God is able and I know He cares about me. I feel stuck. Because I know my tolerance level, I know what I am willing to put up with and what I do not have to accept. Right now, I'm torn between confronting my pain, so that I can bring my tolerance level down, or just letting it go and moving on.
My heart is heavy. It hasn't felt like this in a really long time. My heart is heavy. God I need you!!!!!!